Notes entry from April 14, 2024:

I’ve been in turmoil. My depression is waay better and my depressive episode has ended, but I can’t move on from the kids being massacred by my tax dollars. I can’t unsee the little girl that tried to escape and died hanging off the side of the building half blown up. I can’t unsee the decomposed bodies of the premature babies that doctors and parents were forced to abandon. I can’t unsee the little boy dead in the street hovering over his brother that he tried to save. I can’t unsee the grandmother holding her grandsons hand & getting shot dead.

People think well why do you see?

Why keep up with it?

Why look if it’s causing you so much strife?

Truth be told maybe I tend to self sabotage, but mostly I can’t live with myself if I look the other way. I was the kid so many looked away from growing up. I was the kid so many looked down on bc of their family’s ethnicity. I am the person that understands the location in which you are born shapes the very projection of your life more than anything.

I know what it’s like to have strangers care. I know what it’s like to have someone that owes you nothing stand up for you. I wouldn’t be here without those people. I wouldn’t be here without people seeing a girl in need and deciding to help her mother. I wouldn’t be where I am today if everyone had ignored me & minded their own business

How can I be the person that then ignores other kids like me or those that have it so so much worse than I did? I can’t even if watching their pain breaks my soul.

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A year later I’ve seen so much more. I can’t say it’s worse, though arguably I’m sure it is, because it’s all just evil. It’s all abhorrent. Not what I saw an over a year ago, or what I’ve learned and witnessed through this past week, should ever be taken as normal or acceptable under any circumstances. I’m constantly disgusted and disappointed in my species – in myself as well.

We let this happen. We allow this all to continue to happen. Some of us can talk on it, vote accordingly, even align to consume more ethically and intentionally. I can’t help, but know we are all still complicit regardless. I don’t think it’s possible to be ethical in an unethical society – might be able to push for change, but the harm exists on our watch either way.