This membership was one I got unwillingly. 

He would’ve been 61 today. 

Instead, it’s been a little under 5 years since he’s been gone. Almost half a decade. Soon it will be a full 10 years, then 15, then 20. If I’m blessed enough to live to see my 50th birthday, then I will have lived the majority of my life without him. Christ. I can’t even fully wrap my head around that. It’s been almost five years and it’s still hard to believe this is the reality I find myself in. 

I wasn’t expecting to become a member of the dead dad club at the age of 23, but randomly one morning I woke up to the news that that was my case. As much as I want to, I will never forget that phone call. The gutting cries on the other end. The feeling of my heart and stomach splattering on the floor. The tension radiating off every muscle in my body. That day was one of the worst days of my life. Moments like that are a showstopper – a true turning point. For me, there was before I was in the dead dad club and now there’s after.

Before I took a lot for granted. Before I had a rose colored view of the world. Before I constantly thought “when ___ happens I’ll do ___” or “when ___ I’ll finally say ___.” The anxieties, the fears, and the pains of before were like a cool breeze compared to the crackling thunder and howling winds of the after.

There are bittersweet lessons I’ve learned in the after. Did I have to lose my dad to learn them? Perhaps not, but I’ll never know that for sure and it’s not beneficial to consider an alternate reality. Now I remember time is limited and always fleeting. Now I know never to wait to live to the fullest extent and to appreciate even the smallest of moments. Now I recognize it won’t stay dark forever, but I do have to find the will to keep crawling towards the light. 

Anyway, as an unfortunate member of the dead dad club, here’s some things I’d like to share for those not yet plagued by grief: 

• Take videos & pictures of them and with them. Once they’re gone there will be no more and, I promise, the ones you have will not feel like enough 

• Tell them how much you love them and appreciate them ( duh ! )

• Tell them your future plans especially the ones you want to celebrate with them or do for them. You might not get the time to see those plans come to fruition with them, but they will have known your intent & heart and have been proud all the same 

• Call them often & FaceTime even more. You’re not too busy to at least say hi I was thinking about you

• Voice messages. Send them a voice message instead of a text every once in a while. (Keep them, but be careful with these I find these hurt more than the videos and pictures. Something about hearing their voice so clearly from a random normal day in their life is just really gutting)

• Have them write you cards for birthdays or Christmas or something. Just have their handwriting and some of their thoughts written. Like everything else, it’ll hurt but you’ll cherish reading those too 

• Hug them every chance you get, even if you’re not the affectionate type. Those moments are the only chances you’ll get until one day they’re gone and you’ll miss it more than you’ll know. I can see pictures, I can watch videos, I can read letters, I can listen to voice messages, but I can never ever hug him again. I only got so many chances to do that

• And lastly… talk to them about death. It’s scary and so uncomfortable, but ask them what they would want you to know or do after they’re gone? What do you want them to know? Before they go? Before you go? Say the unsaid things. Not an extra minute is guaranteed

• Also to any parents reading this: Set up your will. Don’t let those left behind decide how to care for everything you’ve worked so hard to obtain and achieve. Make the plans for how everyone should honor you and your things. Have the conversations so those you love know your intentions and how to fulfill them

P.S. know none of this applies to just a parent’s death. It’s the cycle of life for it to end and it doesn’t always happen to someone older in life. All of these things can and should apply to any loved one.

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I love and miss you more & more every day, Pa. Happy Birthday. 

-Tu Bonita Chiquitín