It’s been a while since I’ve made a post. Turns out depression and blogging don’t go together well for me… I find it hard to care about much of anything when I’m in a depressive spell – food, friends, family, hygiene, my health. All of it. I don’t want anything other than to not feel. 

It’s a little weird. I’m a relatively self aware person so during the episodes I’ll know I’m not doing much to help the situation, but I’ll keep self sabotaging until one day I’m just ready to snap out of it. It feels like those times you’re drifting in and out of sleep from snoozing the alarm. Randomly you’ll jolt awake and you’re like wait no I want better… and then you feel the comfort of nothingness & end up falling back asleep. Until one moment you’re just up, awake, and alert. That’s what it feels like for me. The depressive episodes are like sleep. Everything just zones out. Sometimes I go in and out of trying to care, wanting better. But it’s not until I’m fully awake and aware that I’m able to surpass it. 

I look back on it though and get frustrated with myself. I just rummage and think how hard is it, truly, to shower? To feed myself? To take my meds? Why don’t I just do it? Why do I keep doing this? 

The reality is life isn’t a linear projection and you won’t always be heading up. It’s normal to go down and if you have depression it can be a struggle to get back up, but my therapist says it’s all about the bounce back. The goal isn’t to have no low periods. The goal is to reduce the time spent there and get to a stable & regulated state again. 

In the moment, my bounce backs don’t seem like they are improving, but from a birds eye view I am miles from where I used to be. My depressive episodes used to regularly last for months – now it’s more like weeks. I used to not even realize what I was feeling was depression – now I’m aware of the signs and symptoms. I used to have self destructive coping mechanisms – now I still sometimes revert to those, but I also have healthy coping skills I use to help me process and get back towards a stable state. 

The list goes on, but the constant remains: my bounce backs are faster and healthier. There is overall improvement, even if it doesn’t seem that way when I am in the thick of it, and for that I am thankful & proud of how far I’ve come. It’s taken a lot of honesty, frustration, confrontation, processing, and acceptance. This isn’t to say my internal work is done – in some way, shape, or form I will always need to keep chipping away at it, but I know it works and is possible. I now know I can be in the eye of the storm and regulate myself to face it head on. 

Regardless of what life throws, as my therapist says, it’s all about the bounce back… and I’m back so here’s to finally doing my passions & the things I enjoy again.